Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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