I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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