Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
