Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
