i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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