why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
