Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
