You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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