i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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