I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
