I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
