k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The air was thick with penises
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize