someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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