I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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