It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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