There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
