is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
