I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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