I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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