If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
