He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
