Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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