I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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