I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
