sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize