I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
