ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
