My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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