i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
