Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
