The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
