i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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