There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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