I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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