census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
