I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
