i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
