True but thats because hes a fetus.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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