It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
