Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
