there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
