i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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