god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
