Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
