I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize