The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
