FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
