i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
