you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
