: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize