and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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