Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
