I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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