I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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