I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
