How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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