My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
