I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need a burrito and a hug.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
