Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
