I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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