I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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