i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
